Why are emotional affairs so hard to get over

Emotional affairs so hard to get over? Let’s talk about it. I’ve heard many times about emotional affairs and sometimes partners who have been cheated on with an emotional affair feel kind of stupid that they feel so hurt. There are reasons why you can’t let it go and there’s things that you can do.

Effects of an Affairs

In order to overcome the feelings that you’re having after an emotional affair. You’re not crazy and you’re not over the top if you’re hurting because your partner had an emotional affair. I want you to understand that it’s real betrayal when you’ve been hurt by an emotional affair from your partner. And if your partner’s telling you that you shouldn’t be feeling the things that you’re feeling or that they’re not valid, that’s not true. Your emotions are valid and it’s okay that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. We have a natural instinct as human beings. We want to protect the partner that we have, we want to protect the mate that we have. So, when our partner goes outside of the relationship, either sexually, spiritually, emotionally, then it hurts, the pain is deep and the pain is real.

Understanding this

As an expert who treats betrayal trauma, if you’re a person who has cheated on your partner and had an emotional affair, let’s say you haven’t had a sexual affair, it’s important that you understand that your partner’s feelings are valid. Their pain is real and it’s okay that they have that pain and they’re gonna need to go through a process of healing for that pain just like anybody else who’s experienced betrayal trauma. So, back off and allow them to go through this process instead of trying to invalidate their pain and tell them that they shouldn’t be feeling what they’re feeling.


Sex is overrated. Okay, not really, but sex is pretty awesome. But, in terms of fidelity sex is overrated. A lot of times people will interchange the word intimacy and sex. Sex is not intimacy. Sex is one way that we can be intimate. So, sex is important but there’s other ways that we are intimate in our relationships. Emotional connection empathy is a way that we’re intimate in our relationships so if your partner is getting that from somebody else, then it hurts just like any other affair hurts because intimacy is going somewhere else.

Common ways

Here are some common ways that somebody is acting out in an emotional affair. Oftentimes it starts with complaining to somebody else about your marriage. You actually find some validation and some empathy about the struggles and pains in your marriage. When you start doing that with somebody, you’re connecting on an emotional level. Another way that emotional infidelity happens is through flirting.

  • Flirting

Life is boring, you find somebody you’re attracted to and you start flirting with them, you start teasing them, playing with them, getting excited to talk to them. That’s emotional infidelity. When you start hiding your relationship that you’re having with that person from your partner, then you’re in denial and you’re deceiving your partner which will create a disconnection in your relationship. You’re not sharing a part of your life and a part of who you are. That’s emotional infidelity just because you’re hiding a piece of who you are. Another way to be emotionally unfaithful.

  • By sharing life goals with somebody who you’re trying to connect to in an intimate way who’s not your partner

So, when you get excited to share with them about the future, about where you’re going and what you’re doing and you’re not doing that with your partner, then you’re giving that to somebody else.

Healing process

The process to heal from an emotional affair is just that. It’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. We talk about betrayal trauma because it’s traumatic to go through betrayal and I can’t give you a magic pill, I can’t give you a magic checklist to overcome this but you can work yourself through these emotions and come out stronger on the other end. But, it’s a process, so understand that there’s some steps that you need to go through in order to heal from an emotional affair.

  • 1st step is to Get out of harm’s way

              If you’re being cheated on and your partner is not wanting to end the relationship with the affair partner, you need to get some space from your partner and you need to tell them that this is not okay. So, don’t just hang in there and take the blame for your partner cheating on you and allow them to keep cheating on you. That’s the 1st thing that you need to do is just find some safety.

  • 2nd step Process your pain and go through grief

                 Find a way to talk it out with somebody, to journal, to listen to some music, to allow yourself to cry, to feel the emotions of what you’re feeling because you’ve been betrayed. Don’t avoid those feelings because they’re painful step into those feelings so that you can process them. And it’s not something you do in a night, it’s not something you do in a day, it’s something you do over months. As you do that and allow yourself to feel, you’re going to start to feel some relief.

Understand what’s yours to own and what’s not yours

It’s normal to start to internalize an emotional affair and take it personally. To say, “Well, he went and did this because-” or “She went and did this because I’m not enough” or “I should have been better” or “I should have been different.” Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t let your shame take over take accountability for what’s yours. If your partner has had an emotional affair, it’s an opportunity for you to self-reflect and to work on you but don’t take the blame for what they have done. They made those choices and it’s not your fault.

  • Get support

It’s important for you to get support and I know this can be something that’s hard to do because you might be embarrassed or sad about what’s happened. So, to reach out and open up can be hard, but there’s people out there who have been through very similar things as you. There’s people out there who can really understand and you need support so that you can process your emotions, you can feel empowered and you can gain hope that you can overcome this.

  • Have boundaries

As you get that support they’ll back you up and having healthy boundaries in your relationship so that you’re not as prone to getting hurt again, that you can protect yourself and know what’s in your control and what’s not in your control.

Get vulnerable again ( the most difficult)

The last thing, which might be the most difficult, is to get vulnerable again. Once you’ve processed these emotions, you have boundaries, you have support don’t allow yourself to just shut down and to shut your life off from connection. You’ll have a propensity to want to do that because you’ve been hurt with this emotional affair so, whether it’s with your partner who betrayed you or whether it’s with a new partner. Take some risks again in order to love and be loved you’ve got to take that risk there’s no way around it. So, once you’re in recovery, once you’re feeling confident and you process through these things, go out there and try to love again.

Thank you

Emotional affairs so hard to get over

Emotional affairs so hard to get over

Emotional affairs so hard to get over

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